


Ad Infinitum

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Gen, I don't know why I wrote this it is sad, Sad, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-15 01:52:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1286758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is nothing funny about this situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ad Infinitum

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "Blind" Date

He almost laughs. Threateningly, it sits on his tongue; it is such a foreign, inappropriate noise, but he feels it precariously hanging in the back of his throat, coating his tongue. It feels slick and sticky. He’s reminded of sweetly sickening blood that he’s tasted so many times in his life, to think he’ll never taste it again in the same way brings back the sensation to  _laugh_. Never had he thought that humanity would actually win, or that he would be here to watch them retake the world. He’s supposed to be six feet under, instead of standing on solid ground.

There is nothing funny about this situation.

 

He hears the waves; his stomach rolls and pitches alongside them. Next to him, he supposes that she can hear them as well, but she’s as stoic as porcelain. Sometimes he wonders if she had been carved out of stone, but then her exterior cracks and he’s reminded that she’s just as broken as he is. Just now thousands of her pieces are scattered across the sand, and he thinks they will forever remain there; some of his glinting in the sunlight as well. Her hand reaches across the space between them. She’s clumsy, grappling blindly for his hand; he smiles gently as he takes her shaking hand into his.

“Where are they? I don’t hear them,” she finally says. “No one will answer me, Levi.”

 _With good reason_ , he thinks bitterly; everyone’s intentions had been for Levi to be the bearer of bad news. When Levi’s only reply is a tired exhalation that gives nothing away, Mikasa continues speaking in subdued tones that  _terrify_  Levi. “Tell me that I saved him. I thought he was going to die, and I couldn’t stand the thought of it. I know it was risky and foolish, but tell me that I managed to save him,  _please_ , Levi. _Please_  let him be okay.”

Now he inhales, listening to the panic rise from the deepest recesses of her vocal cords; she’s not prone to lower all her defenses, but she’s experiencing the same sense of freedom as he is. It is almost disorientating. “I’m supposing you are talking about Armin, correct?” His voice surprises him. He sounds exhausted and ready to collapse. When her hand tightens around his, he takes that as her nod of encouragement. “Armin’s in critical condition, but suspected to recover. I don’t know if there will be long-term injuries, but he’ll be able to be with you soon. He woke up this morning.”

Quickly, her speech is rushed as though she doesn’t understand the mechanics of conversation anymore. “I’m happy to be here with you, Levi. I’m so happy that we made it this far, and I’m so happy we’ll all be able to stand here and listen to the waves. As soon as Armin and Eren join us—”

“I let Eren die.” Levi says, dropping her hand, retracting from her as far as he can. The beach is long, but he knows he can’t leave her alone; it is quite easy to retreat into the darkest depths of his minds where the memories still sting. If he closes his eyes then he can still feel the warm blood pouring across his hands, but not evaporating. His hands are stained so deep a red that he will never be able to wash them clean. Everything about himself feels  _dirty_ ; he’s disgusting.

Her hands claw at her scarf-less throat; nails rake across delicate skin until she’s marked with pronounced scratches against her skin. “Where?” Her mouth is dry; there is no longer time for rejoicing: only mourning. “What… what do you mean?” She’s not an idiot, but she’s feigning ignorance in a way that makes Levi’s stomach roll more violently.

Who is he to judge anyone when he’s the one who fucked up?

“I… was preoccupied; he was under my watch and I let him die instead of myself, accidentally.” When he lifts his eyes to look at Mikasa the first thing he notices is her bandaged eyes; she looks completely devastated. He’s watching her whole world come crashing down around her; they’ve made it this far just for Eren to die at the last stretch of the way. “Your scarf is with Armin in the sleeping quarters; he asked for it after I told him about Eren. I should… do you want to be with Armin?”

Her voice wavers when she answers. “I want to be with  _Eren_ ,” she wails; her hands are shaking madly as she turns and tries to feel her way towards Levi. She stumbles on a rock and Levi catches her around her middle. “Levi,” she clutches onto him for dear life as a scream wracks through her whole body.

 _Give her the patch_ , his mind supplies, but he feels like a rusty machine; he feels absolutely nothing, but at the same time his emptiness is as vast as the ocean which he wants to drown in. Taking her hand, it feels mechanical, he slips the patch there. “I… managed to save it. You have his memory and I know you had your dreams, but…”  _I’m sorry,_ he wants to say, but those words are foreign on his tongue. He swallows them. Wrapping his arms around her, he feels her whole body shudder: sobs forcefully racking against her frame. If an apology could fix her, he’d continue to whisper them over and over.

“We made it this far, and he died  _so close to freedom_.”

His hands wander, trying to rub consolingly at her back, but she seems to be a dam: leaks appearing here and then there, and he does not have the tools to patch her up because he has his own leaks. He feels something in him shatter, but he had felt it the moment he watched Eren go down all too fast to be propelled by 3DMG. The blood is on his hands; he pulls away from Mikasa as though he’s been burnt. The scene plays before him again – then again, and each time he just watches motionlessly.

Sightlessly, she stares at him; he can feel her pain in the air around them, the spray of the ocean waves gives them a salty taste. Or, maybe that is his tears sitting on his lips.  _I’m actually crying_ , he thinks, then:  _It is all over, I can_. Mikasa can’t see the tears running down his face, nor does she realize what is happening when Levi pulls her down into the sand. Her head rests on his chest as she listens to his increased heartbeat: so _strong_. She hasn’t lost everyone; it reminds her she isn’t alone. His fingers card through her raven locks soothingly as he muffles his crying with an arm draped over his mouth.

She feels his chest stutter; a sob hits him particularly hard as he thinks about all the losses this war had brought them. When she picks her head up, her lips are searching for his, but she takes every inch of skin that is available to her. Her lips touch his collarbone, travels upwards to his neck. Every faint brush of her lips against his skin has Levi shattering more and more; tears rivet down his cheeks as the force increases on his chest. His heart hammers while his breath gets caught in his throat. He moves his arm, meeting her lips with his own finally, but it is a messy kiss with tears mingling on their lips and desperation set deep into their bones. “Marry me,” he may have said between meetings, but his brain seems to have disconnected from the rest of his body.

“Yes,” is all she responds with as she presses her forehead against his; sadness still ruins through their veins, turning everything bittersweet. Even the soothing sound of the waves unnerves them. “Have they buried him?” She asks, not forgetting for one moment of their most recent, shared loss. “Bury the scarf with him.”

Levi’s grip loosens on her as he carefully brushes through her hair again and again; silent tears run, but he ignores them. “No, keep the scarf.”

“I have this patch,” she says in response, but her voice breaks.

“Keep the scarf.” Levi repeats solemnly. “We’ll bury him later.” 


End file.
